Just one Mistake
by Errik's angel
Summary: An encounter between Meredith and Derek in an on call room causes things to spiral out of control, changing their lives, and the lives of others forever. Set during the awkward period when Meredith and Derek try to be friends. Merder
1. Just one Mistake

"Damn it," Derek muttered as he left the scrub room. Performing a 5 hour surgery on only one cup of coffee always made for a stressful day. It didn't help when the patient died anyway.

Talk about a bad day. Wake up to be on time to his 6 o'clock surgery, argue with the wife who still wanted to talk, glared at in the elevator by angry interns - he hadn't meant to break their friend, and she was his friend now anyways - could it possibly get any worse?

_Of course it can_ he realized, as he opened a door to an on call room. Curled up on the bed was the lusty intern that had caused many of the day's problems. He stood in halfway in the room in shock for a moment. The practical half of his brain was telling him to get the hell away from that room before he did something he would regret, but the part of his brain that always made decisions when he was around Meredith was walking into the room, closing the door, and locking it with a small _click._

Still in somewhat of a daze he found himself stretching his body out on the bed and spooning in behind her. He could still hear the practical half of his brain screaming against this action, but it changed to a distant wail at the first scent of lavender, the first contact of their bodies.

_How can something this wrong feel so right? _he wondered. Her long hair brushed against his neck, and he shivered, reaching over her to brush a strand out of her face.

"Meredith," he murmured.

She shifted slightly, and to Derek's utter amazement moaned what could only be his name in her sleep. That broke the slight control he had had over his body since making the erroneous decision to enter the room. He found his lips moving across her neck and landing on her own.

He felt her start as she jolted awake, and instantly drew back, realizing what he had been doing. But before he could get off of the bed, and as far away from that room as possible, slender arms wrapped around his neck and held him in place. She drew his head down and kissed him passionately, her mouth opening to his.

"Meredith, we shouldn't," he whispered as they drew apart.

"You started it," she accused sleepily. Her hands moved under his shirt, and grabbed his shoulders, bringing her head up to his once again. He knew it was wrong, he knew he was married, he knew she wasn't thinking clearly, he knew that it would haunt them later, but at that he moment he just didn't care.

His hands roamed across her body before slipping up her scrub shirt. He stopped kissing for her long enough to draw it over her head. Their eyes met for a moment, and Derek saw in hers the passion that had too long been restrained.

When he finally managed to break the eye contact, he brought his mouth to her neck, placing there hot, wet kisses that moved down her chest as he frantically worked to unclip her bra. He could hear her moaning his name, much like she had in her sleep, and he moved his mouth down to her stomach.

She started squirming below him, and tugged at his pants, his shirt long since discarded. He pulled at the string on hers in turn, and one final thought ran through his head before they finally came together. _This certainly isn't boring, and we haven't even started yet._


	2. consequences

"Meredith, don't cry. Please, Mer, it's okay." He couldn't help but think that she certainly was crying after sex a lot lately.

"It's okay? IT'S OKAY? You have a wife. I'm now the other woman, the dirty mistress. You said that we could be friends!"

Derek flinched. Every word stung with truth. He reached for her, but she pulled away violently, getting off the bed.

"I'm sorry, Mer. Well, actually I'm not that sorry about the amazing sex, but I am sorry I hurt you. That is never my intention." He gave her the McDreamy smile.

"Well you manage it often enough," she spat back.

"Meredith," The words died in his mouth as he watched her pull her scrubs back on. She was truly beautiful.

"Don't say Meredith. Don't look at me. Why can't you ever just leave me alone? You took advantage of me while I was drunk, twice, and now when I'm asleep. Go home to your wife and get out of my life!" She pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail and glared at him.

Derek stared at her for a timeless moment, and realized that he had to tell her. Had to make her understand why he keep doing thing to hurt her. It was never on purpose, and it only hurt her because of Addison's existence.

"Meredith, I can't leave you alone. I can't stop looking at you, touching you. I dread going home to my wife. Not when the women I love is going home to a different house."

The glare on her tearstained face, turned soft before she burst into tears yet again.

"Meredith." He reached out for her, and for once she didn't draw away. He pulled her down to his knee, just as his pager went off.

"911, damn I've got to take this. What time are you off tonight?"

She shook her head. "I'm not going to talk about this. You're trying to make it work with your wife. Go home and do that. We'll both forget this ever happened."

"Meredith, we have to talk about this. Tomorrow morning we'll walk Doc together."

"I'm not going to talk about this. It didn't happen."

Derek sighed, and moved her off his lap. "We don't have to talk, just come."

She shrugged and he took that as consent. He moved in to kiss her once more before leaving, but it landed on her cheek when she turned her head away. He brushed off the hurt, but with Meredith, everything stung more.

"I'll see you later."

She didn't answer, and the last thing he saw before closing the door was the blank look in her eyes as she stared at the wall.


	3. Soap Opera

Meredith left the on call room a few minutes after, praying that no one had a seen Derek leave the same room early. She had been on call all night monitoring one of Burke's cardio patients, and she had to check on him again.

_Damn you Derek_. She couldn't get that thought out of her head. She couldn't get the vivid memories of the sex out her head either. _Why does my life suck so much?_

She pasted a fake smile on her face as she entered the patients room.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Lamped. How are you feeling today?" she asked cheerfully.

"Fine, considering I had surgery yesterday. Am I supposed to be this tired? I better started feeling better my next month. My daughter's getting married, and everyone's going to be there." The old man rambled as Meredith checked his vitals, nodding politely and giving brief answers at appropriate times.

"Well, Mr. Lamped, you are recovering quite nicely. Dr. Burke will be in here shortly, and he will give you an idea of what your recovery will look like."

Meredith left the room as quickly as possible, and collapsed against the wall. She needed to get home and sleep to days to make sure that she never was tired enough to do something that stupid.

She made her way to the nurse's station and sat down by Christina.

"What's wrong with you?" Christina immediately asked.

"Nothings wrong with me," Meredith responded quickly.

"Right."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Meredith, you look like shit."

"Hey, she doesn't look that bad. Awful guilty though, and tired, very tired." Izzy came up to them and immediately jumped to Meredith's defense.

"Nah, she looks pretty bad. Kind of like she did after George, do you think she screwed George again?"

"Do you guys not see me sitting right here," Meredith muttered loudly.

"Sorry Mer. So what did McDreamy do to you this time?" Christina demanded.

"Nothing. We didn't do anything. He has a wife, I'm not going to be the dirty mistress. We didn't just have sex in an on call room. I'm not his dirty mistress. I'm not."

She got up and stormed away, but not before hearing Christina exclaim rather loudly, "She did McDreamy in an on call room!"


	4. Confessions

AN: Sorry about the lack of these. I pretty much forgot to write one every time, like twice, I've posted. Anyway, so this is my first attempt at this. I don't really know where this is going, but it will probably have 10 or so more chapters, and they will all probably be short like this. If I wrote longer chapters, I've never update, so this is probably best for everyone. Lots of probably. No Mer/Der this chapter, but the next chapter should have lots.

"So, Meredith, do you want to talk about this? I really think it's something we should talk about. He _is _married you know. So we should talk about it, right?" Izzie harassed during the car ride home.

"Izzie, shut up, you sound like George," Meredith snapped, not taking her eyes off the road.

"Yeah, and thanks to you, George isn't here to sound like that."

Meredith rolled her eyes as she pulled into the driveway. "I get it Iz, I'm a whore and I do terrible things. I did a terrible thing with George and I did a terrible thing today. It's not really anything that needs to be discussed." She slammed the door with more force than was necessary.

"It does need to be discussed, though. I'm your friend, your roommate, you can talk to me about this. Did you see him today? After, well you know . . ."

"Thankfully no. I was on a case with Burke, and I took the stairs all day. Dodged him in the hallway a few times though." Meredith walked up the stairs to her room, looking forward to finally escaping Izzy.

"Meredith, come on, tell me how it happened. What did he say afterwards?" Izzie asked, refusing to let Meredith shut her bedroom door.

Meredith felt her eyes fill with tears. Izzie's face was bright with anticipation. _My friends all love this soap opera that's my life._ It was a mildly depressing thought.

"I was sleeping, he kissed me, and after he told me . . ." she hesitated, "that he loves me," she spat out quickly before slamming the door and bursting into tears again.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"Denny told me that he loves me too."

"Really! When? Why didn't you tell me?" Meredith demanded. Izzie had broken into her room when she heard her crying, and now they were laying on her bed, George's spot between them an empty void .

"It was last week. I can't really believe it myself. But I said it back today. I said I wasn't going to fall for a patient. I really wasn't going to."

"Well, I wasn't going to fall for my married boss either."

They laid in silence for a few minutes before Meredith broke it. "He didn't actually say that he loves me. I mean, it was implied, but he didn't say the words. He said that the woman he loves lives in a different house."

Izzie smiled. "It's the same thing, Mer. McDreamy's in love with you."

_Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse_. The worst part about it was that she knew beyond doubt that Izzy was right.


	5. Dog walking

AN: So this chapter is just the talk, still short. Not much to say about it. Please review

"I didn't think you show." Derek flashed her his dreamiest smile.

Meredith didn't respond. She met his eyes for a second before crouching down to pet Doc, letting him lick her face. _Lucky Doc,_ Derek couldn't help but think. She stood again and threw a stick for the dog.

"So are we going to talk about this?" Derek asked to break the empty silence as they strolled down the trail.

She gave him an annoyed glance. "I said I didn't want to talk about it." She continued walking, staring at the ground.

"Meredith." He put his hand on her arm to stop her. She pulled her arm out of his grip, and stepped more then a normal distance away from him.

"You say Meredith and I yell, remember. Why do you keep saying my name? Why can't we just pretend it never happened, and go back to pretending to be friends?" she all but shouted at him.

Derek was slightly hurt by her comment on them pretending to be friends, but chose to ignore it. She was right to some extent. Nervously he started on his proposition. He wasn't sure how she'd react, and she seemed to be in a bad mood today.

"We could do that, Mer, but I have a much more appealing suggestion. If you'll have me, I'll divorce Addi, and we can go back to everything being like it was before her. Remember, back when we didn't have to pretend." His voice was low and convincing, and he could feel her melting under his gaze.

"If I'll have you," she said quietly.

Derek nodded enthusiastically. He couldn't believe that she wasn't yelling at him. Unfortunately that thought was premature.

"If I'll have you?" she asked louder. Derek nodded, slightly confused. "IF I'LL HAVE YOU!" she all but screamed. "You are an ass! This is not my choice! I'm not married! I am not going to be the other woman, I am not going to be your mistress, and I will not make the choice for you! It's your own damn decision!"

Her voice got low, and Derek flinched, knowing that, once again, he had hurt her. "If you divorce her, I make no guarantees that I will ever trust you again. You do not get to turn this in to my decision, Derek."

He could see that she was about to storm away, so he grabbed her arm again. "Meredith, I'm sorry. You're completely correct. I am an ass, and I keep hurting you. I know you don't believe me, but it's really not intentional. Please, I love you Meredith, please believe that, if nothing else."

Their eyes met for a long moment before she jerked away.

"I can't believe you, Derek. Give me a reason to believe you."

He pulled her into his body and kissed her passionately. She kissed him back, and he could sense that it was against her better judgment. That hurt him, but it felt so good, so right to be kissing her. After they parted Meredith pulled herself out of his arms.

"That's not a kind of reason I want Derek. That only makes things worse."

He could see the tears in her blue eyes, and would have given anything to take them away. To make sure that his Meredith was never hurt again. Never hurt by him again.

He tenderly touched her cheek. "Don't cry. Don't leave. Just walk with me. We can talk about something else."

"Like what? It seems like we can never just talk like normal friends. There's too much background between us."

_And too much forbidden love and passion between us right now_ he thought. "Let's try to talk like friends. So, fine weather we're having today, Dr. Grey."

She giggled a little, and Derek felt like the happiest person on the planet. "That's not how friends talk." She sounded like a little girl, and Derek was floating.

"Why don't you show me how friends talk," he suggested.

She smiled up at him. He took her hand, and she didn't pull away. That's when he knew things could be right with them, and that he had the power to make them right.


	6. Choice Made

AN: Not the most exciting chapter ever, but I wanted to attempt to write the divorce. Hopefully the next chapter will be more interesting.

Derek walked into his trailer, his stomach filled with dread. Ending an eleven year marriage was not something to be taken lightly, especially when his wife knew that he was in love with another woman, even though he had picked her.

"Addison? Addi, are you home yet?"

"I can't hide in here Derek. You know we really should get a proper home one of these days."

She came out of the tiny bedroom, and sat down on the couch, pulling him down beside him.

"So, what do you want me for, are you finally ready to talk?" Her face was bright with anticipation of fixing their failing marriage, and Derek felt his heart break a little when he realized what he was about to do. But stronger than that pain was Meredith's guilty face after every kiss, and the way she flinched at his touch.

"Addison, I am ready to talk." He knew his heavy heart showed on his face, and sure enough Addison saw it too.

"Oh, it's this talk. I guess I should have know that it was coming. I suppose it has been coming since before Mark, before Meredith." Her eyes were shinning with tears that Derek knew would spill before he finished his next sentence.

"I'm so sorry, Addi, I really am. We really did try you know. We just aren't the same people."

She had tears running down her face, but to Derek's surprise her voice wasn't hysterical. "You're right Derek, you're in love with your intern, and just can't try hard enough to make this work. Not when you see her everyday, and remember that you love her, more than me. Maybe if we had moved back to New York. Maybe then we could have made it work. Fallen back in love."

Derek swallowed back his own tears. He hadn't realized how much this would hurt. He had been in love with Addison once, he had loved her just as much as he now loved Meredith. "Mark was in New York."

Addison smile a haunted smile. "You're right. Mark was in New York. We've both made too many mistakes, haven't we Derek. Time has changed us too much."

He nodded tightly, still fighting tears. She was taking this well, no screaming, no begging. He supposed that she was slightly relieved also. No more pretending.

She broke the awkward silence after a minute. "I'll get the papers, we'll sign, and I'll pack my stuff, and find a hotel. You and Doc can have this trailer to yourselves."

"Addison, you don't have to leave tonight. I'll sleep on the couch." With his eyes he begged her not to hate him. Not to blame the failed marriage entirely on him.

"No, I'm going tonight, and I'm never sleeping in a trailer again." They smiled at each other, and Derek knew the trailer would always be something they'd be able to laugh about. Two of the highest paid doctors on the west coast living in a trailer. Derek did have to smile at the humor in it.

She left for a moment to go retrieve the divorce papers, and Derek stared up at the ceiling, feeling like he was in some strange nightmare. But it wasn't completely demonic because he knew it would end with him and Meredith. Him and Meredith, no strings attached. For the first time ever. He smiled his first real smile of the night at the thought.

"I hope you'll be happy with her. She really is a sweet girl."

Derek started, not realizing she had come back into the room. He looked up at her slightly guilty, but said, "I think we will be happy. If she will ever take me back."

"She will. She loves you, Derek."

Derek smiled, he never would have imagined that Addison would reassure him of Meredith's love.

"You first or me," Addison asked, reminding Derek that there was still one big step to take.

"I will. This was my idea, and mostly my fault. Are we still splitting right down the middle of the country?"

"Yes. I get the condo in New York and the house in Hampton. You get the condo in Aspen, and this land."

"The trailer too?"

"That's not in the papers, but yes. You may have the trailer."

Derek nodded, knowing he had just been stalling. He lower his shaky hand to the paper, steadying it before scrawling his signature. Beside him he heard Addison sigh, and he knew that she had had the smallest hope that he would not sign. Honoring her side of the agreement, she took the pen from his hand and signed below him.

_Derek Maloney Shepherd _

_Addison Montgomery Shepherd_

There it was. In ink. Not to be erased. No going back now. Their marriage was soon to be over, and Derek couldn't help but think, _Finally._


	7. A Sound in the Night

AN: This is essentially a filler chapter, just sharing news of the divorce. I have the next chapter slightly planned out so it should be up soon, I think it'll be long and will feature Mer/Der in a elevator!

Meredith was woken by the insistent ringing of her cell phone on her bedside table. She sat up slightly, pulling her alarm clock towards her. 1:27, _who in the world is calling me at this time?_ She picked up her phone, and squinted at the bright glow. Derek. _Why is he calling me?_

Curiosity lead her to pick up the phone instead of just ignoring it.

"Hello?" She tried not to sound too tired.

"Meredith. I'm sorry for waking you."

"That generally happens when you call someone in the middle of the night." She was really annoyed at him calling her this late, for no apparent reason. He knew how early she had to wake up.

"Sorry, but I just had to tell you. It's over."

"What's over? Derek what are you talking about?" It was far too late for her brain to comprehend his half spoken idea.

"We signed the papers. Addison and I. The divorce will be official as soon as the lawyer approves them."

Meredith actually felt her heart skip a beat. Her half awake mind tried to process this new information and how she should react. She found that she was far too happy, while she should be angry. Hadn't she just told him that she wouldn't be the other woman?

After a long pause, she managed to form a proper response. "I'm sorry Derek. That must have been hard."

"Meredith, this is a good thing. Now we can finally be together. No more secrets." His voice was warm, and convincing.

"Derek, no. I'm not going to be the other woman." Meredith forced herself to sound angry, and snapped her phone shut.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Burke woke up to the sound of obnoxiously loud rap music. "What the hell is that?"

Christina moaned beside him. "My phone."

"It's the middle of the night. Who the hell is calling you?"

"Probably Meredith, who else has problems that can't wait until morning?" She reached over and answered the phone, sounding very cranky.

"What! He divorced her? For real?"

Oddly, the first thought to run through Burke's head was, _Bailey got dumped, that sucks._ He knew that couldn't be the situation.

Nudging Christina, he asked, "who's getting divorced?"

She put her hand over the mouthpiece. "Derek and Addison. Meredith, of course, is flipping out. Which lead her to call me in the middle of the night. I mean, doesn't Izzie, queen of gossip, live with her?"

They both heard Meredith's voice raise to an alarmingly high pitch. Christina turned back to the phone. "Yes, Meredith, you have the most complicated, sucky life ever. Just tell him to fuck off and let you live your life." Through Meredith's continued rambles, she said, "I'll talk to you tomorrow, now it's nighttime, so I'm going to sleep."

Christina closed her phone, and turned to Burke. "Man, it would suck to be her. Now he's going to charm her, make her fall back in love, then crush her heart into 1000 pieces . . . again."

"You're so optimistic." Burke smiled and pulled her back into his arms, content with his not-so-complicated life.


	8. Elevators

AN: Wow, I've written a long chapter. That's amazing. And the next one is going to be long too. Even more amazing. So this is Mer/Der drama, not really fluff, but them in an elevator which is always good. Still don't know where this is going. Read and Review.

"You look too happy to be Meredith. What's up, you've been half in tears all day." Christina eyed Meredith suspiciously.

Meredith smiled more. She was feeling happy enough at that moment to ignore Christina's antics. "Today I scrubbed in on an emergency surgery with Burke. Burke, signifying that I was not assigned to Derek's case, though I am sure he requested me, always does when I'm mad at him, anyway, I got to work in the OR with Burke instead of stared at by McDreamy."

Christina nodded. "Uh-hu." She sounded as though she was talking to someone mentally ill, as she always did when Meredith was rambling.

Meredith nodded vigorously back. "Also, I didn't see Derek all day. No awkward elevator rides, no stares in the hallway, and no fights in the stairwells. That constitutes a good day. Surgery, and no Derek."

"Right." Christina slammed her locker shut and picked up her bag. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, McHappy."

"Come on, you have got to be able to come up with something better than that to call me. McHappy sucks."

Izzie peaked around the corner. "McHappy. I kind of like it. You certainly are McHappy right now Meredith." Her grin matched Meredith's in intensity.

"Says the girl who coined the term McYummy," Christina muttered. "Happiness makes me nauseous." She left the locker room, clearly annoyed.

Meredith and Izzie burst into a fit of giggles as soon as the door closed. "McYummy is McHappy," Izzie chortled.

When they calmed down Meredith managed to say, "I'll met you at home, I'm going to go visit my mother for a while." This definitely was not going to be the best evening of her life, but Meredith felt a certain obligation to her mother.

"See you there." Izzie was still giggling over her own not-so-funny joke.

Meredith the locker room and ran to catch the elevator. She stopped short before the opened doors, her mirth immediately evaporating. _This is how I know its my life._ The elevator was occupied by only one person, the man she had successfully avoided all day. Of course she would run into him as she was leaving. She was Meredith Grey after all.

She had a fleeting notion to flee and take the stairs, but instead stepped onto the elevator, staring determinedly at the floor.

"Dr. Shepherd." She didn't met his eyes when she acknowledged him.

"It's Derek, but Meredith, please. Let's just talk, that's all I'm asking of you." Meredith could picture his dreamy, pleading face in her minds eye.

"We did talk. In the middle of the night. I told you. I won't be the other women. That's just the way it is. You're not even officially divorced yet, and you've made no announcement." She hadn't meant to respond at all, but as soon as she opened her mouth, word had come pouring out.

Derek pulled the alarm, and the soft buzzing filled the elevator.

"What the hell, Derek? I said no, just accept it and move on."

"Meredith." He pulled her towards him, and with two fingers gently brought her face up so he could met her eyes. "Meredith."

A silence came over them as they stared into each others eyes, the alarm now white noise in the background. Meredith found herself melting into his eyes, and, despite the fact that he had a wife and had been an ass for the past couple days, knew beyond all doubt that she still loved him. _Damn._

Derek smiled. "That's why I can't accept no for an answer."

As soon as the moment was broken, Meredith jumped back into defense mode, making a mental note not to let him catch her off guard like that again.

"Why?" Her voice was sharp, and echoed slightly off the metal box.

"You know why, Mer. It's because I love you. And you love me. Don't deny it. It was written all over you're face just a second ago."

She wanted the deny it, but knew that she couldn't brake his heart like that. Not when it would be a lie. She opted instead for not answering, and started at the wall in front of her.

"Meredith." Derek turned her towards him. "Remember the day we kissed in this elevator?"

She hadn't meant to smile, she really hadn't, but she did, and, as she had known, it was all the encouragement it took for him to kiss her in that elevator again. _Damn._ She had been thinking that a lot lately the last couple of days.

Her body left her conscience control, and she felt her mouth opening to his, and allowed him to back her against the wall. All thought of wives, mistresses, and dignity left her mind as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and leaned her entire body into him.

She heard him groan slightly when they drew apart for air, and again when she pressed against him hard as she brought their mouths back together.

"Meredith." She hardly heard her name whispered against her lips, as Derek ran his fingers through her hair.

The only thought her mind could process was that she loved him. It registered slightly that that was not the right thing to be thinking, but the fleeting feeling passed when his hands moved between them, and under her sweater. She allowed him to draw his hands all over her stomach and breasts, but her conscience thoughts came abruptly back when he attempted to pull in over her head.

"Jesus, Derek, we've in an elevator!"

She realized exactly what she had been doing the second she had moved away from him. Unfortunately the elevator was very small, and she couldn't move far enough away from the man who had caused this lapse of judgment. _He's married, and I can't let him brake me again. I won't ever recover._

"That did not just happen." She reached across him, and pulled the alarm off, allowing the elevator to move again.

"I'm pretty sure it did." He smirked slightly at her. "You shouldn't of stopped me. I've never had elevator sex before."

Meredith felt her stomach sink as she realized how close they had just come to elevator sex. The on-call room had started with just kissing too.

"I'm not going to fall back into you're arms, Derek."

"Why not? I know you like them. I bet you like other parts of me too."

_He's taking this so lightly, like it means nothing. Like I mean nothing._ Meredith chocked back tears, and new beyond doubt that she could not go back to him. Ever.

"I can't let you brake me again." Her voice was little more than a whisper, and when she glanced up at him, she saw the smile evaporate off of his face.

He grew somber. "Meredith . . ." Their eyes met and locked.

The doors opened with a soft _ding._

They both jumped slightly at the noise, and Meredith stepped off the elevator. She looked back at Derek standing there alone. She shook her head slightly. _You missed your chance. _She knew the message was conveyed as easily as it would have been with words.

Meredith keep staring at the door after they had closed. She heard the other elevator stop on that floor, but did not bother to look and see who was getting off.

"Meredith?" It was Izzie.

"Meredith, are you alright? What took so long? You left 15 minutes ago."

Meredith looked sadly at her friend, knowing that her guilty expression, swollen lips, and mussed hair would give her away immediately.

"Meredith . . ."

Izzie sounded reassuring, as if the next words out of her mouth would be that it was okay, and that was more than Meredith could handle. She started sobbing, not caring that she was in the middle of the hospital lobby.

Izzie immediately pulled her into a comforting hug, and Meredith did not attempt to stop her tears.

"I love him. I'd give anything to stop, but I can't, and I just can't be with him. It kills me because I love him." Her voice was ragged and slightly muffled, but she knew Izzie would still understand, even if she couldn't hear all her words.

"I know."


	9. Surgeries

AN: I'm so sorry. I never meant to leave this story for two months. I just had a combination of a busy life and writers block, and this got abandoned. But now I have a sizeable update, and I promise you will not have to wait so long for the next one. I'm kind of thinking this will be done with just a few more chapters, but I'm not entirely sure on the direction it's going, so no guarantees. Please review.

Meredith was still miserable and slightly hung-over when she came to work the next day. She had avoided Joe's, the possibility of running into Derek enough to deter her, but that hadn't stopped her from utilizing her own personal store of tequila.

"You look like you got hit by a truck." Christina was looking at her critically, clearly ready to accuse her of sleeping with Derek again.

"How cliché, and I'm fine." Meredith forcefully opened her locker, and threw in her purse.

"Right. You're fine."

Meredith ignored her, and changed her clothes silently. Izzie and Christina was blatantly whispering about her, but she ignored it. She slung her stereoscope around her neck and put on her jacket, before slamming her locker shut.

Bailey walked in, and started rattling off assignment without even looking at them. "Yang, O'Malley, pit, Grey, Shepherd." Meredith groaned audibly and Bailey glared at her before continuing. "Karev you're still with the SheShep - Montgomery now actually, and Stevens you're with me."

Izzie gave Meredith a reassuring smile before hurrying after Bailey. Christina whispered as she walked by, "don't screw him again," but Meredith could tell that it was meant to be encouraging. In only a moment, Alex and Meredith were the only ones left in the locker room. Meredith sat down on the bench for a moment, putting her head in her hands.

"Why does he do this to me?"

Alex sat down beside her. "Do you want to talk to me about this?"

She tilted her head towards him, considering. He was being really sweet, as he often was towards her. With a sigh, she began, "Well, there was that thing in the on-call room Tuesday."

"That _thing_," Alex interrupted, his voice light and teasing.

"Shut up. And then last night, in the elevator."

"In the _elevator?_ Grey, that's just wrong."

She looked away from him, and muttered, "We didn't have sex in the elevator. He just kissed me. But then I broke up with him. Officially. And now I have to work with him all day."

Her voice had risen to something that she herself recognized as hysterical, and she near tears. She looked at Alex again when he didn't respond right away.

"Meredith, here's what I think." His voice was more kind than she had ever heard it. "The thing is you love him, he loves you. Don't waste your lives telling yourself otherwise. He's divorced, you're single, there's nothing keeping you apart now."

Meredith felt tears in her eyes from exhaustion and misery, but she held them back. She wasn't going to let Derek see her with red eyes. "I don't want to get hurt again." Her voice was small and almost inaudible.

"You're right. You may get hurt again, but Meredith, you're hurting now too. You both could be happy."

Now more confused than ever, she didn't respond. "We better get to work. Thanks, Alex."

He shrugged. "Good luck with all of this, Grey."

She walked out of the locker room, and to the nurse's station where Derek was waiting for her, leaning against the counter. _Don't even go there, _she quickly told her brain as she felt herself staring.

"Dr. Shepherd." She avoided eye contact.

"Good morning, Mer. We have a great case today." He handed her the chart with a smile.

She flipped it opened, making a point not to look at him. "A Corpus Colostomy?" She didn't bother to hide the disappointment in her voice.

"Don't get too excited," he teased. "No, the great part is how much you will be able to help."

She looked at him then, confused. "What do you mean?"

Smiling, he pulled her in with his dreamy eyes. "You'll just have to wait and see." His voice was low and inviting, before he abruptly went back to his previous tone. "Now, go prep Ms. Compton for surgery. I expected you do be fully briefed on her case when I see you in the OR." He winked, and she rolled her eyes, stalking away, feeling his eyes on her back the whole time.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Derek stood over Ms. Compton's brain, finding himself slightly distracted by Meredith, who was standing close to his side applying suction.

"And what comes next, Dr. Grey?" he muttered, concentrating.

"Pull the hemispheres apart slightly, and cut the fibers connecting them. It will lessen the frequency and severity of her seizures." She recited the textbook answer perfectly.

"Good." He tilted his head to look at her. "Are you ready to do it?"

"What?" He watched her beautiful face filled with shock, delight, confusion, and nervousness all at once. He prided himself in his ability to recognize each emotion.

"You're doing this part of the surgery, Grey." When she still stood staring at him, he gently switched the instruments they were each holding on to, and nudged her towards his spot in front of the brain.

He watched her face for a moment more, before turning his attention to the brain and her hands hovering over it, fingers gripping the unfamiliar instruments. He himself was slightly nervous as he talked her through the main part of the procedure. Technically, no intern should be doing such a procedure, but there was no explicit rule against it, and he knew she was good. Standing right over her, he was ready to take over at the slightest slip, but she quickly showed him that would not be necessary.

"Good," he murmured quietly as she successfully clipped the fibers. Stealing one more glance at her face, now that she had flawlessly performed the most critical part of the surgery, he saw the intense concentration, and a pride beyond anything she'd ever admit to. With no obvious effort, she finished the procedure with a dexterity far beyond her experience. He looked on with pride as she closed, not bothering to conceal his smile.

"Congratulations, Meredith. You did a textbook procedure," he told her as they went into the scrub room.

To his delight, she grinned up at him, her anger forgotten, at least for now. She didn't say anything, but her face communicated more than words ever could.

"It seems routine until you're actually operating, doesn't it?" He was still studying her, thrilled to see her so happy.

She nodded. "That was amazing." Her voice was quiet. "Thank you, Derek."

She was so beautiful, so happy, and looking at him with so much admiration, that he couldn't help but pull her into his arms. The scrub nurses were already gone, so they were completely alone.

"You did a great job, Mer." He held her close, reveling in the fact that she wasn't pulling away.

"I'm still not dating you," she announced, though not leaving the circle of his arms.

"How about dinner tonight, just as friends." He knew he was taking advantage of her happiness, but his desire to be close to her, to win her back, won over the slight feeling of guilt.

"Well." He could almost see her thinking. "I suppose. Just as friends."

"What time are you off?" His delight was reflected in his voice.

"Six."

"I'll pick you up at seven. Wear something nice and I'll take you somewhere expensive."

She laughed, and he nuzzled her neck before letting go of her.

"Remember, just as friends," she told him, as he left the room.

He turned around and looked at her again, seeing clearly that she was still on the surgical high. "Just friends, Dr. Grey." He emphasized her formal title, and left the room smiling at the knowledge that as soon as he could convince her to trust him again, their relationship would change.


	10. Dresses and Panic

"Christina!" Meredith could hear the panic in her own voice. "Please come help me. He's coming in forty minutes, and I don't have anything to wear!"

_"What have you been doing for the past hour?"_

"Trying to find something to wear! Please come."

"_Fine. But you better a least have some options by the time I get there."_

"I don't have anything."

_"Pull out every dress you own. I'll be there in ten minutes."_

"Thanks." Meredith hung up on Christina's grumbling response, and snapped her phone shut, tossing it on the bed.

Going to her closet again, she pushed through her clothes, and, following Christina's advice, pulled out every dress she owned. "Dammit," she muttered when she reached the end of her supply. None of them seemed right for "dinner with a friend."

_Why did I say yes?_ She knew why. She had been on a surgical high. He had let her perform a rather advanced procedure on her own, and her misery had temporarily disappeared. Now she was too panicked to be angry, but she knew that she should be. He had taken advantage of her, and was making it awfully hard for her to be mad at him. _Especially since you love him,_ said the nasty little voice in the back of her head. Alex's words have been turning over in her head all day. He was right, Derek made her happy.

"Meredith?!"

"Oh, thank God," she said aloud. "I'm up here!"

"Tell me again why we're doing this." Christina started as soon as she walked in the room. "I thought you were done with him."

"We're friends. Friends go to dinner."

"Right. I'm your person, you don't have to lie to me."

"Whatever. I need a dress though." Panic set in again. She had half an hour to get ready.

"Okay, okay." She started sorting through the pile on Meredith's bed. "Too slutty, too hideous, skany, maybe, no, too formal, hum, slutty. Wow, you would be set if you wanted to look like a whore."

"Yeah. Well, I don't tonight. I told you I don't have anything."

"I think this is your best option." She held up a simple red dress. It was off the shoulders, with a scoop neck, and fell to the knees.

"You think?" Meredith was doubtful. "It just doesn't seem quite right."

"Well, do you what to wear this one?" Christina asked sarcastically, holding up a blue dress cut so low Meredith didn't think she could go through an evening without spilling out of it, and with a slit up the side that went to the top of the thigh. "You were a slut in college, weren't you?"

"Shut up." Meredith grabbed the red dress out of Christina's hand, and went into the bathroom.

She came out a moment later. "What do think?"

"That's hot. Wear it."

"Yeah, I guess so. It's better on." She held out the skirt and looked down at the dress.

"Ok, great. Now you have fifteen minutes to do your hair and makeup."

"Oh God! I hadn't even thought of that. How should I do my hair?" Panic set in again, and she began to pull her fingers through her hair.

"With that dress? Definitely down and straighten." Christina's voice was calm and confident, and Meredith was reminded why she had called her person to help with this emergency.

Christina took over from that point, and Meredith willingly let her. Christina pulled out the straightener, though Meredith could fathom how she could have known where is was. As soon as it was hot she made Meredith kneel, and straightened her hair for her.

When she was done, Meredith stood up, and looked in the mirror on the back of the door. She actually did look nice, though a little too hot for dinner with a friend. Her dress hugged her body in just the right way, accenting her curves, rather than hiding them. Christina had done a great job with her hair, and it framed her face, and golden highlights in it shinning.

"Thank you so much, Christina." If it was anyone else Meredith would have hugged them. After all, Christina had gotten her from a panicked mess, to looking great.

"Whatever it takes to get you back with McDreamy."

"Hey, I told you . . ."

Christina cut her off. "I know, you're just friends. Get your makeup touched up. He'll be here any second."

Meredith was following Christina's instructions when the doorbell rang. She jumped, smearing mascara below her eye.

"Dammit. Can you get that? Tell him I'll be right down."

As Meredith fixed her makeup, she could hear Christina and Derek talking though couldn't distinguish the words. The thought of Christina alone with him, presumably talking about her, was concerning, so she rushed to finish getting ready.

She left the bathroom, and was about to head down the stair when she glimpsed her bare feet. _Crap. I need shoes._

"Christina! Can you come here for a second?" For Derek's sake she kept the panic out of her voice.

She heard Christina mutter something to Derek before coming up the stairs.

"I don't have any shoes."

"You are hopeless. Haven't you ever gone out before?"

"Not on an hour's notice," she said defensively.

Christina shook her head mockingly. "Do you have any bronze sandals?"

"Umm. Maybe." Meredith dug through her closet for a moment before coming up with a pair. They were cute and dainty, actually perfect for the dress, though Meredith never would have thought of them without Christina.

"Good. Put them on, and get your ass downstairs sometime today."

Finally ready, Meredith walked down the stairs. Derek was standing there, looking incredibly hot in his good-looking red shirt, and black dress pants. She felt her breath catch, and took a moment to stare, taking advantage of the fact that he hadn't noticed her yet. _We could be happy._

"I'm ready," she announced once she found her voice.

"Meredith. You look beautiful." He smiled at her, and handed her a bouquet of bright summer flowers.

"Oh, thanks." She buried her nose in them, appreciating the smell and the gesture.

When she looked up, she caught him staring at her with wanton desire. Their eyes met, and she melted. In that moment, she promised herself a big reward if she could make it through the night without having sex with him. She wasn't sure what the reward would be, but quickly realized it didn't really matter. There was no way she'd be to do it.

AN: So this chapter's a little boring, but the next one is their date, so that should be good. I don't have much to say about this one. Meredith knows Derek manipulated her, but still wants to go out with him, and now thinks they'll have sex before the end of the evening. She still doesn't trust him though, so we'll have to see where the evening goes. The more reviews I get, the more inspired I will be.


	11. Dinner as Friends

AN: So, here's the date. It's pretty self explanatory. Their both fighting their emotions, and trying to act as friends, but it doesn't always work. And don't worry, this evening is continued in the next chapter, which will hopefully be up soon.

". . . and then she told me that she was the doctor! After all that, she still wanted to continue!"

Meredith laughed as Derek finished his story of one of the more clumsy interns he had instructed as a resident. She was still chuckling when the waiter appeared to take their dessert orders.

"What did you want, Mer?"

She shrugged. "That prime rib pretty much filled me up. We can share something if you'd like. You choose"

Derek considered the menu for a moment. "We'll share the raspberry cheesecake." He closed the menu and handed it to the waiter.

She was relived he hadn't chosen the most expensive thing on the menu. He had spoiled her all night, choosing the most expensive wine on the list and insisting on prime rib when she said she wanted steak. It made her feel slightly guilty, considering she wasn't planning on reconsidering the just friends relationship.

They fell back into the easy conversation they had been sharing all evening. It was actually turning out to be much more pleasant than Meredith had expected. She had given up on the angry act before she had even tried it on him, and the evening really was progressing as a dinner between friends. The only time they hadn't acted strictly as friends was the eye sex in her entryway. Of course Christina had witnessed that. Meredith knew she wouldn't be allowed to live it down.

The waiter came back with their cheesecake, and placed it between them.

"Yum." Meredith picked up her fork, and took a bite. "It's delicious. Eat some, Derek."

"If it's that good go ahead and eat it yourself. I love you enough to let you eat the last piece of cheesecake." He smiled at her, love radiating off his face so much that Meredith had to look down. She was touched that he had remembered what she had told him, and the allusion of friendship came crashing down. They could never just be friends.

"Meredith." Derek reached across the table, lifting her chin to meet his eyes, his touch sending shivers down her spine. "I do love you."

She felt her eyes fill with tears, and blinked rapidly, not wanted to spoil the perfect evening. She wanted more than anything to say the words back to him, but was still wary. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't trust him with her heart again. _Though he already has it._

They sat in silence for a moment, still looking at each other, Derek's fingers light on her chin. She jerked away suddenly, breaking the connection that had so much intensity, it scared her.

"Eat some cheesecake," she requested uneasily.

"Here." He smile was all charm once again, as he brought his fork to her mouth. She opened it obligingly, and let him feed her the bite.

She found herself smiling back, and on impulse, was giving him a taste off of her own fork. They became giggly and giddy once again as they finished the cheesecake. Impulse struck her again, and without thinking about it, she was dipping her finger in the wiped cream, and bringing it to his mouth for him to suck off. That again ended their lightheartedness, as shivers spread through her body, from both the feel of his mouth and the messages he was sending her with his eyes.

They were saved for a moment of discomfort when the waiter brought Derek the bill. He busied himself by reaching for his wallet, and she finished off her wine. By the time the waiter left again, the moment had passed, and they were again to the comfortable conversation that was becoming more and more uncomfortable as the sexual tension grew.

_How did I sit here with him all evening? _she wondered when she felt herself intensely surveyed under darkening eyes during a lull in their talk. She found her blushing, and was relived when the stepped out into the cool night air. Derek wrapped an arm around her as they walked to the car under the presence of keeping her bare shoulders warm, though she was certainly feeling warm enough without it there.

The drive to her house was uneventful mostly because they couldn't have eye sex when they couldn't look at each other.

"Thank you, Derek," she said when they got back to her house. She leaned in an kissed him on the check, careful to keep an adequate distance between their bodies. "I had a great time."

"Yeah. I did too."

They stood on her porch looking at each other for a moment. She didn't want the evening to end, despite the discomfort of the past half an hour, and she knew he wouldn't leave until she went in the house.

"Um, do you want to come in for a while? Izzie's on call tonight." She realized how that must have sounded as soon as the words left her mouth, and hurried to cover herself. "We could have a cup of coffee."

"That sounds great." He gave her a sexy smile. "Coffee, I mean."

She blushed and concentrated on unlocking the door. He put his hand on the small of her back as she stepped inside, shutting the door before pinning her against it, kissing her hard. Despite her hesitation, she accepted it fully, letting him pull her body flush against his. _I knew we'd have sex tonight._ There was no point in denying it now.


	12. Sleepovers

Derek pressed Meredith against her front door, as hard as he could without hurting her. He devoured her mouth, tugging his fingers through her hair. She tasted, felt, and smelled amazing, and he had wanted to do this all evening. The end of their dinner had driven him crazy with desire for her. And now he had her, and had no plans of letting this perfect woman out of his arms.

"Derek." He felt rather than heard the words she mumbled against his mouth, and he responded by moaning her name, forcing his tongue into her mouth. She still tasted of cheesecake, and he now understood the phrase 'I could eat you all up.' He would eat Meredith up if it meant he could be closer to her.

Pulling away to look at her, he whispered, "you're perfect." To his surprise, her eyes were filled with tears instead of happiness and desire.

"Mer, what's wrong?" He cupped her face with both hands, forcing her to keep looking at him.

"Derek." She stopped talking and closed her eyes. "Derek, I can't."

"Yes you can." He kissed her mouth again to prove his point.

She pushed him away. "Derek, don't."

Stepping away, she folded her arms around herself protectively, and refused to look at him.

"Meredith." He put his hand on her shoulder, and she shivered. He rubbed her skin gently, not sure what to say. He didn't even know what was bothering her. "Talk to me, love."

She jerked away violently. "Don't call me that." The tears threatened to spill over. "I just can't, okay."

"You can't what?" It broke his heart to see her like this, especially when he was fairly certain that he had caused this distress.

Her beautiful blue eyes looked up at him. "I can't have sex with you," she said in a small voice. "I told you, I can't fall back into your arms."

Derek closed his eyes against the pain the reference to the elevator conversation brought. When he opened them again, Meredith was crying. "Oh, Mer." He gathered her into his arms again, holding her close. This time it was with the intention of comforting rather than ravishing, and it actually felt just as good.

After a moment he pulled her away from his chest so he could talk to her. "We won't do anything you're not ready for. I won't force you into anything. Ever. Okay?"

She nodded, still sniffling.

"Okay." He pulled her close again, wishing he could end all of her pain with the snap of his fingers, but life didn't work that way. He had known he hurt her badly, but he was just beginning to realize how badly it had been. It was going to take a lot more than a fancy dinner to win her trust back. As much as her wanted her, he knew that if they had sex she'd probably never look at him the way she used to. Back when they were happy. Back when her eyes would sparkle with love when he entered a room. He was determined to bring that happiness back to her eyes, for her sake and his own.

"Let's go get that coffee." He finally released her from his arms.

She nodded again, and lead the way into the kitchen. He made her sit down at the counter, and got the coffee ready himself. He could feel her eyes on him, and the silence was haunting him.

When it was done, he sat down beside her, handing her a mug. She wrapped her fingers around it, still not speaking. He pondered leaving. Clearly, he was making her uncomfortable, and if she wasn't going to talk to him, there was no point of him sitting in her kitchen.

"I'm sorry," she finally said.

"What? You have nothing to be sorry about." He took one of her hands in his, playing with her fingers.

"I ruined the evening for you," her voice was bitter, but she didn't pull her hand away.

"That's not true, Mer." His voice was quite, and not entirely convincing. "But we should talk about this. About us."

She shook her head violently. "No, not tonight. Not now."

"Okay."

"Okay," she echoed.

He searched his head for a way to change the subject, drawing a blank. It was hard to think of a normal conversation with all that was hanging in the air between them.

"Alex told me something today," Meredith said, her voice loud as it broke the heavy silence.

He looked at her, waiting for elaboration. He prompted her after a moment.   
"What did he tell you?"

She shrugged. "Just something about us." She paused, looking at him for a fleeting moment. "We could be happy together."

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her palm. "We are happy when we're together."

"But if we were together together. We could be happy. I could be happy." She stopped rambling and finally met his eyes. "I want us to work, Derek."

He felt a grin take over his face, despite the dismal mood. Hope had returned to him, and now he knew without a doubt that he would fight for her as long as it took. _That has always been the plan though._

"We can work, Meredith. And we will. When you're ready."

She smiled then, and it was genuine.

"Hey, I thought we weren't going to talk about us tonight," he said teasingly, nudging her playfully.

She laughed, and he reached over to tickle her side, making her laugh even harder. It felt so good to sit here with Meredith, and to see her so happy. It had been a long time since they had teased and laughed together, and it seemed impossible that he had enjoyed a whole evening of it.

He looked into her eyes. It was nice to see them shinning with happiness instead of tears. "I love you, Meredith."

"I . . .I . . ." She stopped. He could read her response in her eyes. There was no doubt that she loved him, and it didn't matter that she wasn't saying the words.

He pressed a finger to her lips. "Shh. I know."

They finished their coffee, able to have a normal conversation now that all of the cards had been laid on the table, so to speak. After, he got up, pressing a rather chaste kiss to her lips.

"I should go."

He was actually pleased to see disappointment flood her faced, and even more pleased with her next words. "I don't want you to leave. Can't you stay here tonight?"

He forced himself to say the right thing in response, though his brain was fighting every moment of it. _And that dress makes it much harder to be a gentleman._

"We're starting out slow, remember. That means no sex, at least for now."

"But sleepovers are okay," she argued. "I just want you to hold me, Derek. It helps me sleep." She pouted at him, making it physically impossible for him to say no.

"I suppose." He was a little worried about this idea. He wasn't sure if he trusted himself in a bed with Meredith all night.

"Good." She took his hand and led him up to her bedroom. He stood around awkwardly, watching as she pulled her pajamas out of her dresser.

"Can you unzip me?" She spun around so her back was to him before he could answer.

"Yeah, sure." He would have sworn she was flirting with him if he hadn't known her so well. She was just being Meredith, who was rather oblivious to how badly he wanted her. He stopped his hands from shaking as he unzipped her dress, and fought the urge to take it off completely and run his hands all over her bare body.

"Thanks." She walked into the bathroom, sliding the dress off before the door was fully shut. He took a shaky breath, and ran his hands through his hair. _I am not going to be sleeping well tonight._

He striped down to his boxers and t-shirt, climbing into Meredith's bed before she came back from the bathroom. When she did, he smiled. He had forgotten how sweet she looked in an old shirt and loose pajama pants.

He lifted the blankets for her as she climbed into bed. Once she was settled, he opened his arms for her, and she snuggled close. He sighed in happiness, and wrapped his arms around her, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair, and the faint aroma of her perfume.

"You smell good," he whispered into her hair.

He felt her smiling against her chest, though she didn't respond. Smiling himself, he shifted slightly, bringing Meredith even closer to him.

"Goodnight, Mer. I love you," he whispered, not wanting to ruin the serenity of the moment.

"Goodnight, Der," she mumbled back, nestling into his chest.

He slipped a hand up her shirt and rubbed her back, his other playing with a silky lock of her hair. Her breathing slowed and her body became slack against him as she feel asleep. Despite his original thought, he found himself also falling asleep, her weight warm and comforting beside him.

**AN: So they didn't actually have sex, but that should be coming eventually. The important part is that their getting somewhere. They mutually want this relationship to work, and for now it's enough just to be together. I'm not really sure how much of this story is left, at least 5 chapters, not more than 10. We'll just have to see how it plays out. Next chapter will be light and hopefully funny.**


	13. Sex Talk

**AN: So this is a short light-hearted chapter in between the dramatic conversations Mer and Der keep having (yes, there is another one in the next chapter). Not much else to say right now, keep reviewing.**

"So McDreamy was in our kitchen this morning," Izzy announced as Meredith walked in the locker room.

Meredith smiled, the memories of the night before still foremost on her mind. She hadn't slept that well since she had been dating Derek, and then there really hadn't been much sleeping going on.

"Meredith, why was McDreamy in our kitchen this morning?" Izzy pressed.

"Because they were having sex before their date even began," Christina supplied.

Meredith decided it was a good time to defend herself. She really didn't need anymore rumors spreading. "There was no sex. Not before, not after. He just spent the night with me, is all."

"McDreamy just spent the night with you," Christina mocked.

"Fine, don't believe the truth. And for the record, we did not have sex in the entryway."

"Thank you for informing us of that, Dr. Grey." Bailey, of course, had come in just in time to hear her last comment.

Meredith closed her eyes in embarrassment. "Thanks Christina," she hissed.

Christina shrugged innocently, her eyes saying that it wasn't her fault Meredith had chosen an inopportune moment to speak.

"Alright people. Assignment for today. Karev, Montgomery's covered today so you're in the pit with Stevens, O'Malley you're running labs, Yang, Grey, you were requested by Burke and Shepherd, respectively. Let's move."

"Maybe I should screw an attending," Alex said sarcastically.

Bailey popped her head back in the locker room. She obviously hadn't been quite out of earshot, and Meredith winced for Alex's sake.

"What is wrong with you all today? I've been with you five minutes and all I hear you talking about is sex." She tore her eyes off Alex to glare at Meredith, and suddenly she didn't feel quite so bad for Alex. "No dawdling now, or I'll put all of you on rectals."

Meredith went to find Derek, feeling much more positive about her assignment than she had yesterday.

"Hey Derek," she said brightly.

"Hey yourself." He handed her a chart. "The new trauma case. Burst an aneurism, scheduled for surgery this afternoon. You'll scrub in of course." She melted at the loving look he gave her, happy that she had chosen to give this relationship another chance. It was nice not to feel pain whenever he looked at her like that.

"Now, Derek," she said in a teasing voice. "Don't think giving me surgeries will get you sex." She kept her voice low.

He laughed, but apparently she had been too loud.

"Dr. Grey!" Bailey's voice was full of shocked outrage. "That's the second time this morning, keep it professional."

Meredith flushed and confirmed that she would.

"What was that about?" Derek asked once Bailey was out of earshot.

"I just said something in the locker room that she happened to hear."

"And what were you saying in the locker room that she would equate with sex?"

"I don't know," she flirted, with a seductive smile.

"You don't know?" She shook her head no, and he backed her up against the nurse's station with his body, leaning down to kiss her briefly.

"Derek, seriously." She pushed him away. "We're at work."

"So I can't kiss my girlfriend at work?"

"Not when she's you're intern, who technically you should not be seeing."

"How can I teach my intern when I can't see her?"

Meredith giggled in response, and he leaned towards her. When his lips were a hairsbreadth away, he pulled back. "I forgot. I'm not aloud to kiss you at work."

"Not, you're not." Meredith tried to sound serious, but failed miserably.

"Take our patient down to CT and come find me when you get the results," he ordered, finally serious.

His pager went off, and he glanced down at it. "Find me for lunch too," he whispered, squeezing her hand before running off it answer his page.

Meredith was still smiling as she paged through the chart, familiarizing herself with the case. She stopped smiling though when she saw Addison out of the corner of her eye. She was staring down the hallway where Derek had ran to, a pained look on her face. Clearly she had witnessed a good part of their flirtation. _They were happy once too. Derek loved her enough to _marry _her. _Suddenly, all the trust that she had built towards Derek came crashing down, and she was back at the emotional starting line.

**AN: So in the end, not all that happy, but it's Meredith and Derek, what else is new? I promise, though, eventually I'll make them happy. Next chapter will be up asap. **


	14. Tears

Derek tentatively prodded the contents of the pot. Meredith sat on the counter beside it, her denim clad knee brushing his hip.

"How do you manage to burn spaghetti in the five minutes it takes me to shower?" he asked incredulously.

A defensive look crossed her beautiful features. "I turned my back for a second, and it turned to black. I didn't do anything wrong."

Derek shook his head in disbelief. He knew Meredith was a bad cook, but he hadn't know it was even possible to wreck spaghetti. Meredith had proven him wrong.

"Well, we can't eat this. I'll call for take out."

"I can." Meredith hopped down from the counter, and moved around the tiny kitchen, pulling out the phonebook and then the phone, dialing a number, smiling at him as she waited for someone to pick up.

He loved having her here in his trailer. In her jeans and soft sweater she fit right in, and her willingness to adapt the quaint habitat was charming. _So much better than Addison with her Prada and never-ending complaints. _Guilt flooded him before he finished the thought. It wasn't fair to Meredith or Addison to compare. Addison was his past, Meredith was his future. _And there really isn't much to compare, _he couldn't help but think as he gazed at Meredith's turned back. He was sure he had never felt this way about Addison, not even when he had proposed.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAG

Hours later, they were laying on the couch not really talking, just too lazy to go to bed. Meredith was on his lap, and he held her close. He savored moments when he could have her physically close because emotionally he wasn't getting anywhere. She had closed herself off from him, and he didn't know how he could get her to open up. So he'd just hold her, and hope that eventually it would be enough.

"Derek?" Meredith's soft voice broke the silence.

"Humm." He fiddled with a lock of her hair, wrapping it around his finger.

"Derek." She was nearly silent, before asking her question in a rushed, loud voice. "Why did you marry Addison?"

He closed his eyes, and sighed. He had known this conversation would happen eventually, but that didn't mean he was anymore enthusiastic about having it. He sat up, shifting Meredith so he could look at her, but not letting her off his lap. Having her close seemed to be to his advantage in this particular conversation.

"I married her because I loved her." There was no need to beat around the bush. Meredith needed to hear the truth.

Her eyes filled with pain, and he knew she was thinking of every time he had told her he loved her. He had had no idea this conversation would hurt so much. _And it hasn't even started yet._

"But you divorced her."

"Because our marriage was over."

"Because of me." She was intently focused on a string on her sleeve.

"No, Meredith, not because of you. And not because of Mark, for that matter. Our marriage was over years before you. We became distance, absent." It still hurt to voice that fact.

She slid off his legs, and he let her go, though instantly missing her warmth. She sat on the other end of the couch, putting as much distance between them as possible.

"Will it be the same with us?" He could barely hear her words, but would have understood her meaning had she been speaking in French.

"No, Meredith, it won't be the same." He moved to sit right beside her, and forced her to met his eyes. He looked right into her soul, forcing her to see his words as she heard them. "I have never loved anything, anyone the way I love you. And I never will. You're it for me, Meredith Grey." He had never meant anything as much in his life.

He had made her cry, and he wiped tears off her face until she turned away. It seemed she was always pulling away from him.

"What if love's not enough?" There was so much pain in her voice that he felt tears prickle his own eyes. _How could I have hurt her so badly? _She was so weak, so vulnerable it made him feel literally ill. _But she hides it so well._

"Mer, how can you think that? Do you really think that what we have won't get us through anything?"

"You picked her. I gave you a choice and you picked her. Love wasn't enough."

_Ay, there's the rub. _Derek banished Shakespeare thoughts from his head as quickly as they came. This was too precarious a situation to risk any distraction. If he couldn't convince his Juliet to let him love her, he may find himself in a similar internal battle to that of the Prince of Denmark.

"And I choose wrong. I choose so wrong." A lone tear ran down his cheek, but he could tell from her body language that that response wasn't going to cut it.

"Meredith, it was a classic heart versus mind. No it wasn't even that." He paused for a moment as he considered why he had stayed with his wife. Why he had chosen Addison after the love of his life had begged him to pick her, to chose her, to love her. "Almost every part of my mind and most certainly all of my heart was telling me to pick you. But I felt had an obligation to my wife, to give our marriage a second chance, and somehow that won out. If I had to do it again, I'd pick you in an instant."

"But you can't."

He was fully crying now, and so was she, based on the part of her face he could see. She was turned away from her, and curtain of blond hair blocked his view of her face. "You're right. I can't take away the fact that I hurt you, that I hurt myself. I wish I could, but I can't. All I can do is tell you how wrong I was, and how much I love you, and hope that you'll believe me. That it will be enough, but, God, Meredith, I love you."

She turned to face him. "I love you too."

It was the first time since that night in the scrub room that he had heard her say those words, and it made him cry even harder. Normally, he would never let anyone see him cry, but with Meredith it somehow seemed right that they were both be sobbing as they finally confession mutual love.

"Mer, I love you. I love you, love you, love you. Forever." He grabbed her legs and pulled her back onto his lap. She wrapped her legs around him, and their lips met in a messy kiss. She tasted salty from tears, but he brushed her hair out of her face and kissed her again, harder, deeper. They were both breathless when they parted, and their cheeks met. Hers was soft, and his was in need of a shave, but they were both wet from tears cried in mutual pain.

"I love you," he whispered into her ear.

"I love you. I should go."

He was so caught up on the "I love you" that he failed to register the second part of her response until she was climbing off of him.

"No, don't go." He caught her hand, and pleaded with her.

"No, no." She shook her head. "I have to go, Derek."

He should have seen this coming. She was his Meredith, always the avoider. "Okay." There was no point in fighting her; he'd never make her do anything against her will.

He stood up, and helped her gather her things. At the door he wiped the remaining tears from her blotchy cheeks, and pressed a somewhat desperate kiss to her lips.

"Meredith." He caught her in a tight hug, before letting her out the door. "I love you forever."

She gave him a tight smile. "Bye. Love you."

He watched her until she drove away. "Oh Meredith," he whispered to himself. Tonight he had learned the extent of the damage he had caused her, first by lying, then by picking his wife. He would be lucky if she ever trusted him again. He let out a strangled cry of self-loathing, and kicked the wall hard enough to leave a mark. There was no pain worse than realizing you had hurt someone you loved, and Derek swore to himself that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her.

AN: So, personally I really liked this chapter. It was sad, and actually emotionally draining to write, but when I thought about it after, I realized that this really wasn't a sad chapter. They had a really important conversation that they needed to have. Meredith finally told Derek she loved him, and Derek realized how much he hurt Meredith. Now it's set up for them to start trusting again, and being happy. Sorry for rambling, please review.


	15. Oncall Rooms

Meredith lay on a bed in an on call room, staring blankly at the bunk above. Her shift was over for the day in two hours, and she was anxious to get home. She hadn't spoken to Derek since she had run out the night before, and, knowing him, he'd make her talk before she left. Their conversation kept playing over and over in his head. She had been left with no doubt regarding his love for her. He loved her beyond reason, and this made her trust him again, though not as fully as she once had. Still, it was enough to show her that Alex was right. She was better off with her McDreamy.

"Found you." The object of her reflections came into the room.

She forced a weak smile. There was no reason to be mad at him, she was just uncomfortable after last night. A lot of things had been said, and she just wasn't sure if she was ready to jump back into a relationship with him.

"Tired?" he asked sympathetically, making himself comfortable on the edge of the bed. Leaning over, he sweetly brushed a strand of hair out of her face. Guilt grew in her. She knew she was pushing him away, and for no good reason. He loved her and he was being so patient.

She nodded, and because she had to give him something added, "I didn't sleep well last night. I don't sleep well without you."

"Well, how about I fix that tonight?"

She nodded, consciously trying to let him in.

He dropped his voice to a low, conspiring whisper. "I know we're at work, but am I allowed to kiss you?"

She laughed. No matter how she was feeling, he could always make her smile when he tried. She sat up a little so he had easier access to her lips. The kiss was more passionate than she had expected, and his body followed hers as she fell back onto the bed. Wrapping her fingers in his hair, she opened her mouth to his probing tongue. His hands ran up and down her sides, tracing her curves, before gripping her hips to pull them closer to his. She allowed the kissing to go on for a few minutes, before breaking away from his and sitting up.

"You're definitely not allowed to kiss me like that at work."

"But I just did." He nipped her earlobe. She could tell he was disappointed she had ended the kiss. Again.

"You know, this whole thing started in an on call room."

"No it didn't." He kissed her again, but kept it under control. "It started when a beautiful woman in a bar took advantage of me." She could tell he had no real interest in talking.

There was no real response to his comment, so she just nodded. After a moment she spoke up. "I'm sorry."

"What?" He looked at her abruptly. "Why?"

"I ran out last night, and ignored you all day."

He was understanding, as always. "It's okay, you needed space."

"I did?" She took a risk, pressing her body against his. "I don't think I need space."

She smiled as she got the reaction she'd wanted. He groaned slightly, and pulled her even closer, if that was possible. "You don't need space," he repeated, kissing her neck.

"Nope."

He sucked on her neck, and she shivered obviously as her body responded. He laughed at that, and asked desperately, "What time are you off? I promised to sleep with you."

She giggled, and pulled her neck away from his mouth. "In two hours."

"I'm off in three. I'll met you at your house?"

"No, let's go to yours tonight. George moved back in with some ortho resident, and, well, it'd just be better to go to the trailer." She really didn't need to be with Derek near others who were having sex.

"George is forgiving you, that's good. So trailer then?"

"Trailer," she confirmed, finally giving into him, and letting him lay her back on the bed. Their passionate kissing was rudely interrupted when some unsuspecting individual opened the door.

"Meredith!" a voice exclaimed.

Izzie had chosen a very inopportune moment to walk into the room, but had probably stopped Meredith from finally giving into Derek. Meredith pushed Derek up and got off of the bed.

"Izzie, um, what do you need?" She found herself blushing profusely as she thought about what Izzie had just seen.

"I just wanted to tell you we were all going to go to Joe's tonight." Izzie looked just as uncomfortable as Meredith felt. "A nurse told me you we in here, she failed to mention . . ." Izzie's voice trailed off. "Um, well, yeah, I'll see you later, Mer. Dr. Shepherd." She gave Derek a nod of acknowledgment before scampering out of the room.

"That was awkward," Derek said bluntly.

"Yeah." She twirled a strand of hair around her finger distractedly. "It's good though. I mean that we're going to Joe's, not that she interrupted, well, yeah. Um, it's good because their all off at the same time as me, and so you can met me at Joe's after you get off." She paused to take a breath and Derek cut off her rambling with a kiss.

She put her arms around his neck and it went on for a while, before she drew away. "I've got to go. If Bailey knew I was with you instead of working, she'd have my head."

He reluctantly released her. "I'll pick you up at Joe's then?"

"Yup, three hours."

"I'm going to miss you."

That line made her fall back into his arms. "It's not that long."

"It's forever if I can't be with you. I love you."

She melted into his eyes, and repeated the words without hesitation.

"You should work." He pushed gently towards the door.

She glanced at him one last time before leaving the room. It was definitely time to stop the timid virgin act. She wanted him, she pretty much trusted him, and she was sick of waiting. _Soon, _she promised herself.

He caught her staring at him and gave her a cocky grin. She grinned back, knowing her thoughts had been communicated with her eyes just as clearly as they would have been with words.

**AN: This is rather short and pointless, and I don't really have much to say about it. I'm having a little writer's block with this story, but I'll try to update soon.**


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